Jeff

I miss him. Everyone around me has their boyfriend/fiance/husband around them. But I don't.
I want him to come home now!





That is it.

THANK GOD that's done

First day of teaching is now done! I'm so glad that I never have to go through that again...and yeah it was only one day, but I feel like I already accomplished so much. While other people are still anticipating their first days I will be already well into my first year. And that, my friends, is a really good feeling. Nothing really extraordinary happened, no crazy student antics, no discipline issues, overall it was pretty boring. I love my 7th and 8th graders which is something that has taken me totally by surprise! These kids are just excited about everything and you think that would be a bad thing but compared to my 10th graders it isn't!!!!! My 10th graders just sat there, literally, and stared at me like I was a zoo animal. I think high schoolers are just jaded about school and they start to get in this 'I'm way too cool for this' mode. Hopefully I'll break them out of that shell because I am young and I can relate to them better than the older teachers.
It was also nice to be myself for once. Since it was my very own classroom I could be sarcastic and funny; I can implement my own lesson plans without a supervisor breathing down my neck. I really think this year will go well, even if I have to really work with my 10th graders to be more outgoing. Well.... I have some things to put together before tomorrow and I need to get some rest. I'll try to update this as much as possible but with this hectic new year I'm sure my posts will become less frequent.

I am going blind.

And that is no metaphor ladies and gentlemen! I went to the eye doctor today and got some pretty disappointing news...my eyes have changed yet again and as usual its for the worse. Apparently my eyes aren't getting any oxygen in them because of my contacts so my doctor scolded me but I told him that I haven't worn my contacts since last Wednesday, which means there is just something wrong with my eyes. So last time I went they told me I had astigmatism well now they don't know if I have that or its just the vascular growth (due to lack of oxygen) in my corneas that is making my vision blurry. Either way I'm probably never going to be able to wear contacts over 6 hours in a day ever again.
Which doesn't bother me.
What does bother me is that my eyes get progressively worse every time I go to get my eyes checked and eventually I think I'm just going to be legally blind. Wouldn't that be funny legally blind at the age of 30?? I hate not being able to see.
My life sucks.
Not really.
Jeff called today and that was a highlight because I haven't talked to him in a while. He is doing okay over in Kuwait, he says it's super hot and he doesn't like being told what to do anymore. I think being a civilian for 2 years got to him. Huspaz for civilians!

School

The first day of school is Wednesday. WEDNESDAY, for pete's sake!

(Pete Sampras)

In-service started on Thursday and I got so overloaded with information that I didn't know where to start. So I think I'm definitely going to write a book about being a first year teacher and make sure to describe in-service days...because no one ever tells you what in-service is like and no one really cares whether you know whats going on or not! RIDICULOUS! Luckily I'm at a school that does care, everyone has come up to me at least once and asked me if I needed anything. Some people just come around to say hi or check in on my progress. It's really nice to know that the staff I'll be working with this year actually wants to know who I am.

Any who...my mother has started talking 'weddings' again so I think at some point she wants me to make some decisions. She is paranoid that I won't get what I want because Jeff isn't here and our engagement will be super short...yadda yadda. I'm not worried about it, I mean, should I be?

I assume I'll be back on here next week to inform you (technically myself since no one reads this) about my first week teaching!

Bored

I don't know why people go back to those who hurt them. I fought with myself(quite a long time ago) for almost a year trying to figure out if I should talk to someone who broke my heart. Today I can say that I couldn't care less if I talk to that person or not, they no longer have any control over my emotions. And I have to say that is a great feeling. For a while I thought it was because I had Jeff in my life that I didn't need that other person anymore. But now that Jeff is in Kuwait I have realized that I don't need other people who bring me down, and I've done that all on my own. You know how people say you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself? Well I get that concept now. I love myself for who I am and I'm grateful to have someone in my life who loves me unconditionally. Yes, that sounds cheesy...so let's get back to the point.
If someone hurts you, why do you go back?
This post mainly comes from events that I witnessed this weekend. I think it may be a mental disorder sometimes; people love to be hurt. They thrive on it, it's like the kid who disrupts the class just because he wants attention and negative attention is better then no attention. And...that ...is just sickening.
And no matter how much advice I give out, or how many times I tell a person to steer clear of the 'bad guy' they always go back. People always go back.
I just don't understand why.

Punishment

Question to you: Why did America push the prison system?
After watching a program called 'Punishment' on the History Channel, I found out that it was America who revolutionized the prison system. And as the program continued I realized how ridiculous this sentiment was, how did we ever think of letting criminals LIVE in prison? At first, prison was a place you would go to be isolated from society because you had committed a crime. Isolated being the key word in that last sentence. If you look at the prison system now criminals are allowed to congregate with each other, play sports, play music, eat 3 square meals a day...make gangs, fight each other, create a barter system and so forth. It is a community sometimes an extremely corrupt community, but a community none the less.
NOW having said that I must clarify that I do not, in fact, endorse capital punishment. I don't believe in an eye for an eye, like Gandhi said "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". BUT I do not think that criminals should be allowed to live in comfort however trivial that comfort is. I know that prison is a horrible place, I know that people die because they are the wrong color or they become someone's slave/lover without consent. It is by no means a great place to find yourself. But when I see a documentary on prisoners on TV and they are smiling, they are in better shape then they've ever been in their life...then you realize something is wrong. Should a man who raped and killed women or children or even men be allowed civilities? I don't know.
I think America should start thinking about reforming their system. Including people who are in prison for trivial crimes, they take up space and money that could be going towards greater criminals.
Maybe my view of the prison system is tainted by television, maybe it is worse then what I think. But I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

Giving up

I'm almost to the point.
I want to give up.
I was born with two faces
for a while they lived in peace.
But now
it's constant conflict.
The two cannot be one in the same,
I
have
to
separate.
I have to chose.
I have to decide.
Which one?
Which one?
Which one?
But it isn't easy
it isn't like they said.
There is no concrete solution
for the abstraction in my head.
Which one?

Which one.